Nobody wants you.
Nobody really likes you.
Nobody loves you.
People will always leave you.
Negative words but a recurring theme I’ve been fighting since I became self-aware. I didn’t always know I was telling myself these things, or that I was believing them and internalizing them; I used to think I was protecting myself from getting hurt. I didn’t know how badly I was hurting myself.
I was a child of abandonment. Both physically and emotionally. Read about it -> HERE
Abandonment anxiety is a thing and I struggled with it for a long time; In life and in relationships. To a degree, I still do. The difference is, now I know what it is and I’m doing the work to heal.
One of the really evil side effects of abandonment anxiety for me is being this person who gives too much in relationships with people; and of course, that gets taken advantaged of because people are..you know..people.
It took being self aware to figure out that giving and doing and labouring was not a love language for me.
There’s a verse in the bible that says ‘There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..‘
I wasn’t giving and doing because I loved, I was giving and doing because I was afraid If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be loved and I would be abandoned.
I still have those fears sometimes, but I’ve grown to recognize when it comes and replace the negative and lying self talk with the truth.
“I am loved. I am lovable. I am not abandoned. The circumstances of my birth and my childhood does not define who I am and what my life is about. I am worthy of and deserve love, kindness and all good things. I do not need to prove my worthiness or make anyone love me”.
Replacing the negative self talk has helped me a great deal.
There are tough seasons when I’ve had to literally talk to myself out loud, cry, meditate and pray; but I come out winning and I come out stronger.
I also double check my feelings to keep myself accountable.
Why do I feel a certain way? Why do I like or think I like a certain person? Why do I want to help a person with whatever? Why do I want to give whatever to a person?
Double checking by asking myself these questions has helped me stop giving and doing. It has protected me from falling prey to manipulative people like I used to.
Giving myself time to answer those questions also helps me ensure that I make decisions with a clear mind and untainted by underlying issues.