Your Soulmate is not ‘out there’, you can stop looking now

If I had one naira for every time I hear people talk about finding their soulmate, being with their soulmate or anything at all to do with their soulmate, I’ll be a rich woman indeed.

If everyone supposedly has a soulmate; that one person we are destined to be with, you know, “the one”; what are the odds that you’ll ever find yours?

According to healthcrackers, assuming your soulmate is set at birth, is roughly in the same age bracket, and the love is recognizable at first sight, mathematical estimates indicate that your chances of finding your soulmate is only 1 in 10,000 (0.010%).

Let me break down why believing that you are destined to find ‘the one’ person out there for you will make you miserable

When you develop an image of what your ideal type or soulmate is, what you do is, you create a fantasy. In this fantasy, is your yearning for the feeling of being ‘in love’ which amplifies desire for an idealized lover, especially when said lover is elusive or unavailable.

In other words, you become more in love with the idea of being in love

Lets say you finally meet this person that fits the hopes and dreams that you’ve been waiting for all your life.

Because  of this hunger for a connection that you have, your attachment to this person will be fast and furious and filled with passion and intensity.

You will be carried away by the idealistic romance, thereby omitting the non-soulmate qualities and amplifying the similarities and all the things that are perfect about that person.

The problem is once the infatuation phase is over, that idealized person becomes just another normal, flawed human being. For too many people, this realization doesn’t set in until things have gone really south and if you’re fortunate, you’ll be whole enough to pick up the pieces

Believing in soulmates will make you create a false fantasy about someone and develop intense feelings for a connection that isn’t real, or amplify a spark into something more than what it really is.

The darker side of this soulmate myth is how it is sometimes used by abusers to manipulate women into staying in abusive relationships.

“We are soulmates so I can’t leave him” she says

“No one can love you like I do because you’re my soulmate” he says to her

These is very dangerous

Believing in soulmates also creates a scarcity mindset where single people stay in relationships that are clearly not working because they have been made to believe that there isn’t better out there.

The flip side of it is, it can also create intense dissatisfaction because you’re always on the hunt for an elusive “the one”.

At the end of the day, you need to come to terms with the reality that there is no destined “the one” somewhere waiting for you to find him or her.

If a long, lasting healthy relationship is what you’re after, then forget everything Hollywood and harlequin romance novels taught you about love at first sight.  Instead of searching for the one in a million soulmate, just go ahead and date someone you like, who likes you back and who you can build something with. Someone with similar values who shares your vision for a good life, and is willing to learn how to create a healthy relationship dynamic.

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