I Can Handle This Moment

If someone had prophesied the first quarter of the year 2020 to me, I would have thrown a glass of water in the person’s face and called the person a false prophet.

As we wrap up the first 4 months of this year, it feels like I’ve gone through the entire year already. And I know I’m not alone here. We’re currently in the middle of a global health pandemic, an economic recession and everyone is living in uncertainty.

Like you, I started this year with hope and expectations. I had it all mapped out. What I didn’t bargain for however was the emotional and psychological blow that was coming.

The first week of March, I found myself writing a suicide note and saving it in my drafts and googling easy ways to kill myself.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know I have shared some of my bouts with depressive episodes before. It’s been a while and I thought I had gotten it under control. I had learned how to focus on the good, how to recognize and withdraw from triggers, how to self care and etc..

What I didn’t know was that, it only takes that one thing to send you spiralling back into the dark hole

But I learned one new thing this time. I learned that I had become stronger. I learned i could step outside of myself to objectively assess the situation and work on fixing it. On fixing me. I could self-heal.

I think that’s the biggest lesson of this season for me.

Realizing the truth.

The truth that I can choose not to look at yesterday; that I can choose to focus on who I am and what I am about and what is happening for me at this very moment.

Realizing the truth that I am capable of handling this very moment.

Moving on and not regretting the past, not speculating about the future but living fully in the present.

That’s what I did.

I left the suicide note in drafts and decided that I deserve to live. Because whatever curveball life brings this year, I can handle it. One moment, one day at a time.