How To Be Christian In Nigeria

Being a Christian in Nigeria is not enough. You have to be a good Christian. A God-fearing one.

In Nigeria, being God fearing is very important. it’s the only qualification that matter. If you’re a man, being God fearing is enough to make you marriage worthy.

But as a Nigerian, It’s not enough that you’re God fearing though, you must be seen to be. Afterall, what use is your fear of God if everyone cannot see it and commend you for being such a God fearing person?

So make sure everyone knows how God fearing you are. Make sure you have a bold church bumper sticker that says “I am a child of God”.

Oh you don’t have a car? don’t worry; buy one of those plastic wristbands with your church logo and make sure you wear it everyday everywhere or better still, get one of the lemon glow in the dark vests and make sure it advertises your church program so you can wear it over your nice work suit everyday.

If you’re in public transport, make sure you preach at everyone on the bus. It doesn’t matter if they are tired and want to doze off. You can’t let them be.

How will people in your office know you’re God fearing if you don’t invite them to your church every weekend? it doesn’t matter that some of them don’t share your beliefs, it doesn’t even matter if some have their own churches. your own church is better. your pastor is the best. your church is where the real truth is preached so they must come.

As a good Christian In Nigeria, you are the sole custodian of Christianity. You know the way and the truth. It is your responsibility to let everyone know how wrong they are and how right you are.

“What about…? ” No! you do not encourage ‘what abouts’. Good Christians don’t ask questions.

As a good Christian, it is your responsibility to defend God. Any questions about him and his existence must be quelled. You know God depends on you to fight his battles and defend his honor.

As a good Christian, you must not only defend God, you must defend his men too. You know; those special humans, chosen to tell you what God says and how you should live and what you should think.
These special people must be believed, obeyed and defended at all costs.

Oh! don’t forget they are also entitled to 10% of your earnings and 100% of your first income of every new year.

It’s not a big deal though, God needs the money and they’re collecting it on his behalf.

It doesn’t matter if they tell you they owe you no explanations about how your contributions are being spent. They are not accountable to you remember?

Even though you worked for it and earned it, it is not your money. In fact, you’re a thief if you don’t hand it over.

If you’re consistent in handing over this monthly tax, your God fearing badge and bragging rights is assured.

It’s not enough though. Your morality grades must be top notch. Don’t worry, no one is asking you to do the actual work. Just make sure you loudly condemn others and point fingers at everyone who looks or feels different.

It doesn’t matter if you understand them or not. It doesn’t matter if you do that same thing, just condemn it as loudly and publicly as you can.

To be a good Christian, don’t forget to love people; but only if they look, think, dress and behave exactly how you believe they’re supposed to.

You can’t learn everything at once though. but with these points, I guarantee you’re well on your way to being a God fearing, good Nigerian Christian.

5 Comments

  • Tony Doe

    Pretty apt…I laughed at parts that resonated with actual experiences and shook my head at how frustratingly accurate this piece was.

  • Chizoba

    Do anything outside of this, then you are a rebel, stop doing any of this then you are backslidden, God save your soul! Nice one Fola, we need to start challenging status quo.

  • Anonymous

    Fola or what is your name ,your loneness is causing depression for get a boyfriend or husband ,menopause is knocking at your door.E ya sorry don’t kill yourself,have you seen people comment on your attack on mount Zion ?if you like the boy JOSHUA andawant make he marry you call this number I will arrange a meeting with him for you

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