Validation is a powerful thing. I didn’t know how much, until i had suffered the effects of not getting enough and searching for it in all the wrong places.
The need to be seen, acknowledged, valued and validated is human. That’s why when we don’t get it, we thirst and we yearn. I was in that place for so long. Needing other people to acknowledge me, admire me, express their value of me before i acknowledge, admire and value myself.
You know what this does to you? It makes you become co-dependent. Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs.
You also become needy and easy prey and victim of emotional abuse (sometimes even physical abuse). Emotional abusers are emotional predators. they sniff out your insecurities, feed their validation to you in measured morsels, just enough to keep you attached to them and they withdraw at will for ‘punishment’ and when they feel they have been offended.
Before you know it, you have become an emotional wreck, bending over backwards, becoming whoever they need you to be just to keep getting the crumbs of affection and validation they give you.
This dysfunction can be found everywhere. Professional relationships, friendships, romantic relationships and even in church
At what point do you realize that there is something wrong?
Actually you have always known. Those times you feel you’re being treated unfairly but you rationalize it, those times you feel pressured to make decisions that make you feel a little less than yourself, those times you tell yourself to make compromises, bend your principles just a little more, knowing you’re doing all that because you want the other person (or people) to be pleased, those are the times your need for validation gets the better of you.
So how do you break the circle?
First, you have to admit that there is a problem, then determine to stop the co-dependency. relationships (either romantic or otherwise) are not meant to be one sided.
It’s time to also stop looking to another human to meet all your emotional needs. Frankly speaking, that is too much burden for any human to bear.
Take some time to withdraw to find yourself. Who are you outside the opinion of the next person? Do you have principles you want to live your life by? what are those principles?
If you do not know what your life principles are, you will fall for anything offered to you.
What do you like? Why do you like those things?
If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there. Anybody can just lead you down any path and you’ll gladly follow along. So, what are your life goals? Write them down, and make specific measurable plans to get there and stick to it!
Most importantly, FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF.
You have to believe that you are beautiful, smart, worthy, valuable and fabulous. When you love yourself, you will not fall for crumbs of affection and empty words of validation.
You will take compliments in stride and not compromising on yourself because you are hungry for them.